How do we fix this?
Just so you know, this is a more serious and slightly heavy post. We try to keep things light and business focussed here but this one isn’t going to be like that at all. Sorry, not sorry.
It’s Em here, and I’m sitting at my computer and I have no idea how to even begin tackling this post. But I want to write it, because I’ve been feeling quite powerless - I feel like a lot of other women have probably been feeling this way too. And I really wish there was a way I or we could make a difference. So I’m just going to write and see what comes out.
The news has got to me over the last two months.
Really got to me.
And I’ve kind of reached a point where I’ve tried to switch off thinking about it, so I can just move on, but I also don’t want to.
And I know I’m not alone in this feeling, having spoken to friends and peers and seen their posts online.
Earlier in the month it felt relentless:
The harrowing revelation of the timeline of Sarah Everard’s death.
The news around Sabine Nessa’s body being found.
The small details that have come out about her attack.
The man charged with her murder being found in my hometown.
The news about Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie in the US.
And the news about another police officer being charged with rape.
Just hearing about women’s safety in general has been massively overwhelming. My heart sinks every time I think about it if I’m perfectly honest.
I am a 32 year old lady who relatively has her shit together, I am the founder of a business, I want to make a difference in the world through my work. I’m usually a bedrock of solid calm and positivity and I feel very independent and driven in the day to day.
And the day the details came out about Sarah’s death, I spoke with my mum on the phone and she told me to be careful walking in the dark.
It reminded me that regardless of how solid I feel generally, there is this constant underlying fear informing the way I behave, because all it takes is one particularly nasty person to take all of that away. It’s been an underlying fear that I’ve had since my mum - like all wise mums do - told me never to walk through a park in the dark, I might get attacked and raped. It feels suffocating if you think about it too much.
And so for the last twenty years, I have been careful, I do everything I can to protect myself in anticipation that something could happen.
And yet these things still happen - you get groped on the underground on your way to work, you get shouted at from a passing car because you happen to be wearing a dress, some idiots try to rip off your bikini or sexually assault you because they feel entitled to your body at a swimming pool, a guy leers at you in the gym when you’re bent over, some creepy guy follows you on the street, and people tell you to smile because their perception of you being a happy compliant woman is more important than how you actually feel. Just the other day I spoke with my 16 year old niece about her versions of these experiences, and it made me feel disappointed that she’s going to have to endure this too.
And I’m just fucked off.
I’m fucked off about it all still happening.
And I’m fucked off that all the things that I mentioned above are things that generally will never be sorted out by people who are supposed to be there to help you…
because a lot of it goes unreported…
because what’s the point right? ‘It’s not that bad’.
because we just move on until the next sensational headline.
The services to help us have been trimmed to the bone and have bigger fish to fry.
Nothing happens. That behaviour doesn’t go away, or it escalates and worse things happen, and you just never know when something awful might occur. Which is terrifying.
Back in March I discussed this topic a lot, and I’m grateful to have had these conversations with men. We spoke about what could be different, what could be done, what experiences we’ve had. And there’s so much, systematically that needs to change. And that in itself is just overwhelming again. And I think because of that, that this time there’s been less conversation. We’ve already had the chats. What next?
And so much of tackling this issue goes to trying to arm women with the tools they need to deal with this absolute bullshit. So much responsibility is placed on women. Men don’t get the responsibility because apparently ‘it’s in their nature’. Men (I am generalising here) also don’t seem to want to listen to women.
Just no.
Just scratching the surface, but how about stricter police background checks? Making areas safer for everyone? Making sure reports of sexual harassment and violence are taken seriously outside and in the workplace? Educating children and teens to respect one another, because not everyone learns it at home? Providing safe places for men and boys to talk? Providing accessible services where perpetrators and people who have dark urges can talk in a safe environment, and get help before going down a path they’ve kept hidden? I’m sure there are a million other ideas out there that could help.
It’s been amazing seeing Don’t Be That Guy campaign by Police Scotland
But it feels like a drop in the ocean.
It feels like none of the above is really going to happen seriously. And that’s fucking me off even more.
In my mind we need to work on preventing the actions before they happen.
But just being one person, it feels like all I’d be capable of doing is fighting a coming tide with a small shield.
As a woman I want to do something.
It’s important.
No one should fear their safety.
The reason I wanted to share this here is because I want to support progress in this area with our work.
And as a creative person I just want to help and solve this problem in any way that I damn well can. I want to provide useful solutions to the problem at hand and help with education and awareness.
I want to turn this powerlessness and frustration I feel into something productive. But the thing is I’ve got no idea how.
I want to help
But I don’t know how. And so I feel helpless. I’m fed up of not knowing where to channel all of this.
Can we just come together to do something about it?!
